Relief and Panic...

I've been meaning to do this for so long, but like everyone else, my plate seems overflowing with so many other responsibilities, both personal and professional.

As December draws near, I'm feeling a combination of relief and panic. Relief because I'm feeling incredibly burnt out and overwhelmed most of the time from the demands of college, specifically writing my thesis, and personal.

As a parent, you often feel a level of guilt that nobody else (including your child) even notices because its something YOU do to YOURSELF. I'm learning that I personally do not have to attend every school dance, PTA meeting and class party. Sometimes it's okay to let another parent fill in for the class Halloween party, let my daughter attend the dance with my neighbor (whose level of supervision I trust), or send my husband to the PTA meeting (after all, he doesn't have a ton of homework waiting for him and can catch up with TIVO when he gets home).

Yet my delegation skills don't serve my life as a student. I can't ask someone else to read my textbooks, write my papers or take my exams. So I sometimes I feel like my back is against a wall, and in a position that I never thought I would as a student; like I have to put my studies ahead of my family.

Of course my rational mind says, 'My goodness woman, they'll be fine! It's not as if you've deserted them!'. I'm right here in the kitchen, the heart of our home, and have my textbooks, laptop, printer and anything else I might require at my fingertips. I'm not shut away in another room. We eat together as a family every night, I make lunch for my daughter every day and we attend most sports practices and games as a family.

What troubles me most is subconscious. It's the panic that sometimes wakes me in the middle of the night, that says, 'She'll only be this little for a short time, she's growing up so fast! You're missing the best part!' coupled with, 'Wait! Did I remember to send a copy of my changes to my professor? Was that for last week or this week?' and prompting a late night trip downstairs, checking my email to see when I last sent him anything.

I suppose the upside to all of this, and what I try to keep in the front of my mind, is that we ALL make sacrifices every day. I think the simple fact that each and every day I have to drive myself to work harder, try harder, expand my knowledge just a little more than the day before is primarily due to the fact that I have a lot riding on this. After all, if I'm taking precious time away from my family, I had better make the most of it.

I think that is what brought me to teaching. I loved what I was doing before, but I wasn't passionate about it. If it weren't for the paycheck, I certainly wouldn't give up time with my baby girl to do it. And granted, she's older now and even the occasional business trip wouldn't be so horrible. But having waited a long time to become a mom, I knew it was something I really wanted. A paycheck and some grownup conversation weren't going to cut it any more. I knew I wanted more, something that would challenge me intellectually and personally every day. Because in some ways, I think, it will make me a better parent, a better wife, better daughter and friend.

So that's what is keeping me going most days. I'm doing this for me, but everyone else will benefit in some way as well. We all just have to be patient.

Oh, and the panic? Mostly because I worry about finishing everything for the semester, but also because I'll be student teaching come January, and that causes feelings of, well...panic. More on that next time.